The Euphoric (Product) Red iPhone

Finally, Apple have done what we’ve all been asking. Fuck Touch ID, Force Touch, bigger screens and headphone jacks! We finally have a RED iPhone and our dicks are hard for it.

A red so red it’s actually caused cases of colour blindness. A colour so beautiful that it cannot be reproduced outside of China. Made from the blood of people with HIV it is the purest and rare form of Red obtainable. This is a phone for the elite. The brave. The warriors. They had the courage to remove the headphone port and now they have the courage to go red.

You may be asking yourself, why would I buy a new iPhone if I’ve already got one… well you’re missing one thing there… this one is red. Perhaps you’d prefer Android? Well you’re wrong and you should get a red iPhone. Android users make me sick. Haven’t got the red iPhone yet? You’re basically Hitler right now.

Fuck you.


Are you thinking about getting a Rose Gold iPhone you fucking savage? What’s wrong with you?! You can get a red one now. I’m looking at you Adrien. Get the red one.

Don’t like the white screen?! No one does.

So in summary, Apple have really fucking raised the fucking bar on this product. Can we expect more technical innovations like this on future fucking iPhones? I damn well fucking hope so. This fucking product is this years must have red iPhone for fuck sake.


I am a gamer by night and professional videographer for a successful international company by day. I edit most of the videos we make. I rule this kingdom.

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